What is an appropriate age to attend a funeral?
Is your toddler likely to find a funeral scary? Will your ten-year-old struggle to sit still and remain quiet during the readings? Will your teenager regret not saying goodbye to their grandparent? These are just some of the questions you may be asking regarding your child’s age and whether it is appropriate for them to attend a funeral.
Age alone cannot be the determining factor on whether it is appropriate for a child to attend a funeral. Child psychologists believe that most children have a good understanding of death by the time they are ten years old, whilst younger children will likely have some awareness of the concept. For younger children, parents should take their individual needs into account, whilst the best way to decide whether to take an older child to a funeral is simply by asking them.
How to decide whether to take your child to a funeral
Regardless of age, it’s important to recognise that every child is different. You know your child better than anyone else, and can probably pinpoint how they will react at a funeral. If you’re struggling to make a decision, try asking yourself the following questions:
- How well does my child understand the concept of death?
- What is my child’s relationship to the deceased?
- Will there be an open or closed casket at the funeral?
- How long is the ceremony likely to last?
- Does my child get anxious or stressed easily?
- Does my child get easily distracted and fidgety?
- Will the funeral be distressing or upsetting for my child?
- Will my child understand what’s happening?
- Does my child want to go to the funeral?
How to prepare children for a funeral
Talk to them about what to expect
Set some time aside to talk to your child about what to expect before, during and after the funeral service. You should use simple, child-friendly language and provide them with as much detail as possible. This will help to reassure and comfort them, and aid older children in their decision-making process.
Get them involved in the funeral arrangements
Older children and teenagers may like to be involved in the funeral arrangements. This helps them to feel included and contribute something positive to the day. Some ways that children can get involved in the planning process include:
- Choosing a poem for them or somebody else to read
- Selecting the funeral music or flowers
- Drawing a picture for placement on the coffin
- Bringing an object that reminds them of their loved one
Ask a friend or family member for help
If the funeral is for a close family member or spouse, you may want to ask a friend to help out with looking after your child. You have the right to grieve on the day, so feel free to ask somebody who knows your child well to support or distract them in case they become upset or overwhelmed.
Bring something to comfort your child
Children of all ages may benefit from bringing an object or person along to offer comfort. Younger children may want to bring a special toy or teddy, whereas a teenager may bring a close friend along. Make a conscious effort to offer physical and verbal comfort during the ceremony, too. Remind your child that it is okay to feel sad and give them a hug if they become upset.
Watch a virtual service
Children may prefer to follow the funeral proceedings in a more comfortable environment via video-link. Many crematoria offer calm and relaxed waiting areas where the service can be live-streamed. This might be a better option for children who might find the formality of a service too overbearing. Children would need to be supervised at all times, so choose an adult relative or friend to accompany your child, allowing you to attend the service in person.
Alternative ways for children to mourn
If your child doesn’t want to attend the funeral or you decide not to take them, there are plenty of other ways to help them memorialise their loved one. Some alternative ways for children to mourn include:
- Visiting the crematorium or cemetery at another time
- Looking through pictures of their loved one
- Lighting a candle at home or in church
- Making a scrapbook or memory book together
- Writing a poem or story of their favourite memory
- Drawing a picture of their loved one
- Saying a prayer at home or in church
- Planting a memorial tree in the garden
- Visiting their loved one’s favourite place
Alexander Burn: your independent funeral directors
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